Ikkaku (madarame_ikkaku) wrote,

  • Mood:

Of water and darkness.

I'm always reminded of it in the strangest ways. But at the same time, i also become painfully aware that I'm used to it. It's not something that i particularly enjoy. It's just something that's been in my life so long in so many different aspects. Be it outwardly physical or be it metaphorically with my living situation or mindset. What i'm referring to is darkness. It always seems like I'm just in darkness. I know that light exists, and i know that the world is full of it. However, it always seems that my life is a constant condition of darkness and dealing with it. And dealt with it i have. You really find out so much about yourself with nothing but the darkness to comfort you. You have nothing but your own imagination to help you get through things. So you can find out just how far the limits of your imagination can go. You can see your interests and desires and think about what they mean to you. It's actually rather nice in some ways. But mostly, it's cold. It's cold and it's dark. I don't mean temperature wise that it's cold. But rather it's emotionless. I see all these people doing all these things in their life and can't help but say, "i wish i could be like them." It's frustrating to me that i can't just be me and have it be fine. I used to think like that. I used to think, "Well i'm just going to be me and i don't care about what the outcome is." However, i've found that it may indeed be a lie. I may indeed care about what the outcome is. In fact i can honestly say i do care. Because i care, I have to adjust what being me is. The years of constant depression and loneliness have only really made me doubt my participation in the world. It's like, i'm that soul less creature you pass by on your way to the main boss that only rewards 1 point of experience if you fight. To me, that one point of experience is all i have and is important to me. But for you, it means nothing. I have no significance at all. I'm just another of the many that could be cared less about.
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